Post by Ahiga on Oct 10, 2012 20:00:15 GMT -5
Characters: Ahiga (Male Ute Wolf), Hadir (Male Adolescent Ute Wolf)
Setting: Maple Glade
Scene:
Hadir had rested for a time after having a chat with his sister and father and then when he had awoken he thought of going to look in the direction that Ahiga went off in. It seems that Ahiga is in need of a great deal of support right now and if Ikuna is unwilling to provide it he might as well try. He has managed to get the gist of what has happened from gossip around the pack and what he knows sickens him, but life is hard. Life is always going to be hard and you don't get anywhere in life by just ignoring it as most seem to want to do. He doesn't really have the luxury of ignoring anything..even the unpleasant things.
Ahiga wishes he could ignore this. But this thing is a thing he faces every day that he wakes up. Every time he checks in on Tala. Every second he allows his mind to rest, it goes back to this ugly thing that he cannot fix. The pack can't help. Can he even call himself part of it anymore? Today, with all of them gathered, he did not feel as if he belonged. Hearing them talk, the reunion of Skahla and his pups ... all of it was like claws scraping ice. A screeching sound he wanted to escape from. Such feelings he's never felt before within his family. But really .. they're not his family. He's found solace in the silence of the maple glade. There are no leaves left on the ground. Just a blanket of snow with skeleton trees around and above. With the snow that's settled on his fur, he's been sitting here a while, eyes set ahead, expression slack.
Its difficult even to make the walk from the main pack area, but in this particular case he thinks its worth it. He wanders slowly making his way along into the glade. Soon enough he spots Ahiga laying there. Yep this is a wolf that is definitely in need of some help, "Hi Ahiga..." he says as he wheezes a bit. Yep. He is going to need to rest a bit after this.
Ahiga turns his ear at the sound of a voice. Ugh. Since when does anyone come out here? Ikuna would have been easy enough to spot and avoid on his patrol, but this isn't Ikuna's voice. "You shouldn't be out here, Hadir," he says without turning around. The younger wolf's voice is distinct enough. And if it wasn't...well, the wheezing sound of his breathing would've been the biggest clue. Heh. He's fine? Sure he is. Only now does he turns his head, glancing over his shoulder at the approaching gaunt wolf. "Wastin' your energy coming out here. There's nothing to eat."
Hadir will be the judge of what is a 'waste' of his energy and what is not. Comforting Ahiga and working to bring some unity to the pack is defintely worth that, even if it’s a bit costly. He'd rather do something with himself rather than just waste away. He comes a bit closer and sits himself down beside Ahiga, "Ahiga...I'm really sorry about what happened." he says. For the present he will ignore the comments made by the other wolf to push him away. He isn't going to be pushed away.
Ahiga glances to the younger wolf at his side, watching him for a long time. He doesn't look good. Hadir has never looked /good/. Not healthy like the rest, but now it's different. He looks worse than before. What happened? Was it the dogs? The utter stress brought on by being driven out of their own home, and then attacked again? "I've been sorry every day, Hadir, but sorry never fixes anything." He turns his eyes forward again, ears pressed back. "There's nothin' anybody can do now. It's done, and I've got to deal with what's happened. It's my fault. Whether anybody wants to say it or not, I know it, and it's true."
Hadir does look bad. It is growing harder for him to breathe and he feels that he can never get quite enough air, and then there is the tiredness. Maybe if he is lucky one of these days he won't wake up and he will go quietly in his sleep. Its something he sort of hopes for, but thats not something that he is going to worry about tonight. He sits himself down beside Ahiga and speaks after a moment of silence, "You are right. Its done and can't be undone. But Tala is alive and so are you. You can be happy together again. What has happened was not your fault. You can't take responsibility for what isn't yours. I know that if you would have had any inkling whatsoever you would have been there. I know that you would have died for her to stop that from happening. There is no doubt in my mind Ahiga. Instead its going to be your job to live for her. You can't keep doing what your doing or you will drive her away...and you will be alone. And you have to make peace with Ikuna. He needs you and you need him." He had wanted Ikuna to follow after and talk about this, but Ikuna wimped out.
"How can you say it's not my fault?" answers Ahiga, his voice barely heard. "If I had been there..." A growl rises in his chest, but the sound is not meant for Hadir. It's a noise of frustration. Anger at himself. But it's a noise that slowly begins to die as he continues to speak. Ahiga is listening even though his eyes are not on him. He hears his every word, though he can't quite agree with all of them. Not now. Guilt is still too strong and the even too fresh for him to forgive himself for it. And Tala? An ear turns at the mentioning of her. "What if that's better?" he says, brows lowering vaguely. "What if it's better if I did drive her away? What have I done for her that's been good? I didn't protect her. I took her away and I let her get hurt. And Ikuna?" He snorts. "He's never needed me. All I am to him is an embarrassment. Maybe it's all I've ever been."
Hadir didn't think that this conversation would be easy at all, but he isn't going to let that deter him from his goal, "Ahiga if you had been there you would have fought him. I know. You would have I know it. Its not your fault because you didn't choose for this to happen." he says with a shake of his head, "And Ikuna does need you. I don't know what happened between you and him, but you aren't an embarassment to him..." he knows that much. And as for his comment about it would be better for Tala to leave him, "How can you say that? You love her. You are so lucky to have found someone...."
He may not know, but it's a lingering wound what happened between himself and Ikuna. It still hurts, but that pain is now a dull one in comparison to the new. He shifts his weight on the snow, exhaling a breath that's seen as gray mist. "Sometimes, when you love someone, you have to do things that might hurt'm. But if you know it's better for them, you'll still do it...no matter what that might mean to you. You're right. I'd be alone with her, but if she's happy, even if it takes moons for her to be happy, it'd be worth it." He trails off a moment, then finally turns to look at him. "I want to tell you somethin' I haven't told anybody."
Hadir is more than willing to listen to whatever the other wolf has to say to himself, "Ahiga I think that you have something really special with Tala and to let it go would be very sad...." Still he sits silently as he waits to hear what he has to say.
"I don't know if you know or not, but I wasn't born in the Ute," begins Ahiga. "I found my way to them. I don't remember ... much about when I was a pup. I don't know who my father was. I don't remember my mother's face anymore. But there's one thing that I do remmber, and I remember it as if it happened yesterday." He closes his eyes, reaching for that memory. "It was before Ute. I was somewhere. In a den, maybe. It was just me alone, and I heard voices outside. Angry ones. My mother's and another female's. They were growling, fightin'. I was scared, but I couldn't move to help. I was so small anyway, I probably would've been killed. But I remember hearin' the other female shouting at my mother about what she'd done. About her cursed pups. Me. A sister and brother I don't remember ever having. She told my mother something about breakin' a sacred rule, and that wherever we went, the spirits would follow an' keep the curse upon it." His eyes open then, and he shakes his head. "I didn't know what any've that meant. And after, I don't really know what happened, but that's the only real thing I remember about being young, an' now that I'm older, I'm thinking maybe, it wasn't just crazy talk."
Hadir isn't going to call what he said outright stupidity, but just because someone said something like that doesn't mean that it’s true. There are alot of superstious wolves out there and many more who repeat back strange things, "I don't know what was happening with all that, but I do know that you aren't cursed. It sounds like that lady wolf was just really upset and that your mother did something that displeased her...that’s all. You don't have to believe in that sort of stuff if you don't want too. Besides its probably best if you don't..." It wouldn't help much anyway Hadir thinks, "Can I tell you something that I haven't told anyone?" he asks.
Ahiga shakes his head a litle. "I don't know, Hadir. A lot've crap happened before you were born, an' it seems like it all started when I found them. Tala and Ikuna's parents were killed. Ikuna was kidnapped. You were born sick. Wachiwa left. The dogs came. An' now this? It's hard not to think that the spirits aren't happy with somethin' or someone when so much happens all the time." His nose wrinkles a little. "An' Ute's all about believin' in the spirits..." he muses, more to himself than to Hadir. At his question though, he nods, eyes on him.
Hadir has heard of all that stuff that happened before he was born, and it doens't sound any better than the stuff that has happened after, "Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with the spirits or anything like that. Maybe its just stuff that happens and thats it. Maybe life is just like that sometimes." He thinks that way anyway. His life hasn't been any different than that...its been one long difficulty after another. Most others seem to have it a bit better than him though, "When I was gone from the pack for a time I was out looking for females..." Yes. He has noticed females, and he knows he will never find one.
Maybe. He's heard that before. Maybe it's just life. And if that's the truth ... life just sucks. It's much easier to blame spirits for bad things that happen. Ahiga does not interfere with his words though, listening to him like Hadir listened to his story. And surprise writes itself all over his face. "..Females?" he says, as if he just spoke a word in another language. He blinks once, ears perking up. Hadir and females? For some reason, he never thought about that before. Of course he'd be interested in females. It was about his age that Ahiga himself started noticing Tala in a much different way. "Did you ... did you meet any?" Granted, he's not with one now, but that doesn't mean that he didn't see one that he liked out there somewhere.
Hadir nods as Ahiga speaks about the spirits. Maybe it is easier to blame others for the troubles that just happen. Who knows. He smiles and gives his head something like a shake, but its only a half hearted shake at best, "No I didn't see any at all. I look around as best I could, but there don't seem to be any around at all. But it doens't really matter because I can safely say that wolfess would want to have me as a mate..." At least no lady wolf in her right mind.
"You don't know that, Hadir," replies Ahiga, shaking his head. "You hadn't met any. I know they're sort of hard to find. Rogue wolves aren't common. Your best best would've been to visit Cerulean. I don't know if they had any other wolves your age.. They might've. I'm sure their Alphas had pups about the same time Shawnee did..." Not that any of this matters now. The Cerulean are long gone, and Hadir... Well. Hadir's not looking too good. But still, he's not about to let the guy be too down on himself. "If Tala wasn't around, I'd probably be a single wolf too, to be honest. And now...well..." he shakes his head, "we'll see where now takes us."
Hadir had a point to telling his story. He hadn't even really told Ikuna about it...he had been out looking for females when the dogs had attacked for the second time. He isn't sorry that he missed any of that, "I didn't even really think about going to Cerulean...but thats a bit too late now I suppose." he says with a bit of a shrug, "But Ahiga you have a mate and she loves you and you love her. And you are thinking of walking away from her...when there are wolves out there who will never be lucky enough to be in love."
"I get what you're sayin', Hadir, I do," Ahiga answers earnestly. "But if you had a mate, an' she .. and she went through what Tala did, you'd be feelin' the same way as I do. You'd feel like the most useless piece've flesh that ever walked this world. You'd feel like there's nothin' you could ever do that could make it up to her. Ever. When I look at her.." he exhales a breath, golden eyes turning skyward, "I swear it's like a piece of me falls away every time. It's hard to explain, and I don't think I'm doing a very good job explaining it. Maybe it's not something I can explain. I don't want to be without her. Don't get me wrong, I'd never walk away just because. But I'll give her that choice. If she doesn't feel safe with me, I won't force her to stay."
Hadir can't really imagine what either of them were going through. Yes its true he would be completely distraught and likely acting much the same way that Ahiga was acting, "You aren't useless...and you know that. I don't think that there is anything that you need do to make it up to her, because it wasn't you that hurt her. I think the best thing you could do for her would be to just love her and support her. She's still the same Tala and she's tough...you know she is so tough."
Tough is a perfect word to describe Tala. She is one tough wolf. Ahiga nods his agreement. "Yeah.. I know." He glances to the younger wolf, head shaking a little. "Why are you telling me all this, Hadir?"
Hadir just wants Ahiga to be happy. Thats all. Nothing more, nothing less, "I'm just telling you because I think you need to hear it...and because I want to see you, Tala, and Ikuna be happy. Its important to me...and its important to everyone in the pack. And its most important to Tala. She is going to need alot of support and she is going to need you." he asks, "Especially if she is pregnant..."
"Aaagh..." Ahiga makes a noise in his throat. A strangled, sort of growled sound. Pregnant. It's difficult enough just thinking about the act that could've led to that. But it's a total different sort of pain that comes with thinking of what may come in the following months. "Hadir. I can't," he says, rising to his paws. "I can't go there with you right now. I can't think about that. I can't.." he shakes his head.
Hadir doesn't have much of a choice where he goes with things, when you have as little time as he does you don't slow down at all, "I know its hard Ahiga...but if she is she will need all of us, and you will have to step up and be a dad." He knows that Ahiga would be a great dad. No matter what he would be a great and he knows it, "I know its really hard...but we don't have the luxury of being fake." He has a great deal of sympathy for Ahiga though.
Step up and be a what? A dad? Hadir must be joking. Ahiga looks at him as if he's lost his mind. A father, to half breed pups? The two that the pack already has he can barely stomach. Well .. one of them. The other isn't really so bad, but this is different. These would be Tala's pups. Her pups with a dog. He couldn't love them. The thought of them brings such a sickening feeling that he has to walk away. He walks in the snow, not leaving, but pacing, hackles raised in agitation. "They were supposed to be /my/ pups! We planned this. We wanted this. They're supposed to be mine." He pauses, looking back at him. "I don't know if she is or not. If she is, and if they come out looking like Kurux? I won't be able to. You can all run me off if you must for not lovin' them, but I won't."
Hadir thinks that this is good progress. Everyone else has been afraid to ask the tough questions and say the tough things, but he isn't afraid to do any of that. When you face down death on a daily basis you learn to live a bit differently. He decides to take a slightly different approach to this, "Lets just say that you had a pup with Tala and it was deformed...would you love it any less? Or one that was sick like me?" he asks.
A deformed pup? .. Heh. Probably. Ahiga is a wolf that strives on normalcy and strength. The wolf dog pups are abnormal. A deformed pup would be weak. Would he be thought of as heartless for admitting so? Well ... if we're being brutally honest here.. "If it was deformed, maybe. If it couldn't walk or run or see or ..." he shakes his head. "If it was sick, I don't know. A sick pup can get better. A deformed pup couldn't." He exhales. "I know what you want me to say, Hadir, but I won't because it'd be a lie. If the pups are not mine, there's nothin' left to say about them."
Hadir can see how he would feel that way. He really can, but his own dad admitted to him today that he was proud of him and that goes along way to build your self esteem, especially when your dad is Skahla, "Then you don't love Tala...because regardless of if they are yours or someone else’s they would be half her. You couldn't love the half that was her even?" he asks. Yes its a simple question with a really complicated answer no doubt
Wrong thing to say, Hadir, for with that one phrase, Ahiga turns from troubled wolf to pissed wolf. It's a change done beneath the blink of an eye. He turns, teeth bared and hackled raised, a snarl rising from his muzzle. "Piss off, Hadir! Until you're in my paws... until you're goin' through this, you don't get to talk to me like you know anything about it. Don't talk as if you can even imagine what this is like. You don't get to talk." A last growl is seen escaping his mouth in a frosty breath before he turns away from him, stalking off again with no intention of stopping anytime soon.
Hadir considers the anger to be a stage that you have to go through. It’s always there. He was mad for a long time, but now he isn't. Things change, "Right because I never have anything difficult to deal with...." he calls out after the other wolf. Its true he doesn't know anything about this particular situation, but he can put himself in it and it sorta does make him mad that Ahiga would be acting like this. The least he can do for everyone is to suffer in silence, "...If I was lucky enough to have a lady wolf to love I would love her and the pups even if they weren't mine...or if they were sick or deformed or whatever, because life is a gift. Until you get that then I don't think anything will help you." He isn't angry just annoyed. Why does everyone around him throw away their gifts so easily. Ahiga is ready to walk out on a loving mate, Althaea is ready to walk out on a loving pack and for what? He would give anything to stay and they walk away willingly. Even in horrible situations they have it better than him. He turns and begins to walk home, wheezing as he goes. Well he did his best.
Setting: Maple Glade
Scene:
Hadir had rested for a time after having a chat with his sister and father and then when he had awoken he thought of going to look in the direction that Ahiga went off in. It seems that Ahiga is in need of a great deal of support right now and if Ikuna is unwilling to provide it he might as well try. He has managed to get the gist of what has happened from gossip around the pack and what he knows sickens him, but life is hard. Life is always going to be hard and you don't get anywhere in life by just ignoring it as most seem to want to do. He doesn't really have the luxury of ignoring anything..even the unpleasant things.
Ahiga wishes he could ignore this. But this thing is a thing he faces every day that he wakes up. Every time he checks in on Tala. Every second he allows his mind to rest, it goes back to this ugly thing that he cannot fix. The pack can't help. Can he even call himself part of it anymore? Today, with all of them gathered, he did not feel as if he belonged. Hearing them talk, the reunion of Skahla and his pups ... all of it was like claws scraping ice. A screeching sound he wanted to escape from. Such feelings he's never felt before within his family. But really .. they're not his family. He's found solace in the silence of the maple glade. There are no leaves left on the ground. Just a blanket of snow with skeleton trees around and above. With the snow that's settled on his fur, he's been sitting here a while, eyes set ahead, expression slack.
Its difficult even to make the walk from the main pack area, but in this particular case he thinks its worth it. He wanders slowly making his way along into the glade. Soon enough he spots Ahiga laying there. Yep this is a wolf that is definitely in need of some help, "Hi Ahiga..." he says as he wheezes a bit. Yep. He is going to need to rest a bit after this.
Ahiga turns his ear at the sound of a voice. Ugh. Since when does anyone come out here? Ikuna would have been easy enough to spot and avoid on his patrol, but this isn't Ikuna's voice. "You shouldn't be out here, Hadir," he says without turning around. The younger wolf's voice is distinct enough. And if it wasn't...well, the wheezing sound of his breathing would've been the biggest clue. Heh. He's fine? Sure he is. Only now does he turns his head, glancing over his shoulder at the approaching gaunt wolf. "Wastin' your energy coming out here. There's nothing to eat."
Hadir will be the judge of what is a 'waste' of his energy and what is not. Comforting Ahiga and working to bring some unity to the pack is defintely worth that, even if it’s a bit costly. He'd rather do something with himself rather than just waste away. He comes a bit closer and sits himself down beside Ahiga, "Ahiga...I'm really sorry about what happened." he says. For the present he will ignore the comments made by the other wolf to push him away. He isn't going to be pushed away.
Ahiga glances to the younger wolf at his side, watching him for a long time. He doesn't look good. Hadir has never looked /good/. Not healthy like the rest, but now it's different. He looks worse than before. What happened? Was it the dogs? The utter stress brought on by being driven out of their own home, and then attacked again? "I've been sorry every day, Hadir, but sorry never fixes anything." He turns his eyes forward again, ears pressed back. "There's nothin' anybody can do now. It's done, and I've got to deal with what's happened. It's my fault. Whether anybody wants to say it or not, I know it, and it's true."
Hadir does look bad. It is growing harder for him to breathe and he feels that he can never get quite enough air, and then there is the tiredness. Maybe if he is lucky one of these days he won't wake up and he will go quietly in his sleep. Its something he sort of hopes for, but thats not something that he is going to worry about tonight. He sits himself down beside Ahiga and speaks after a moment of silence, "You are right. Its done and can't be undone. But Tala is alive and so are you. You can be happy together again. What has happened was not your fault. You can't take responsibility for what isn't yours. I know that if you would have had any inkling whatsoever you would have been there. I know that you would have died for her to stop that from happening. There is no doubt in my mind Ahiga. Instead its going to be your job to live for her. You can't keep doing what your doing or you will drive her away...and you will be alone. And you have to make peace with Ikuna. He needs you and you need him." He had wanted Ikuna to follow after and talk about this, but Ikuna wimped out.
"How can you say it's not my fault?" answers Ahiga, his voice barely heard. "If I had been there..." A growl rises in his chest, but the sound is not meant for Hadir. It's a noise of frustration. Anger at himself. But it's a noise that slowly begins to die as he continues to speak. Ahiga is listening even though his eyes are not on him. He hears his every word, though he can't quite agree with all of them. Not now. Guilt is still too strong and the even too fresh for him to forgive himself for it. And Tala? An ear turns at the mentioning of her. "What if that's better?" he says, brows lowering vaguely. "What if it's better if I did drive her away? What have I done for her that's been good? I didn't protect her. I took her away and I let her get hurt. And Ikuna?" He snorts. "He's never needed me. All I am to him is an embarrassment. Maybe it's all I've ever been."
Hadir didn't think that this conversation would be easy at all, but he isn't going to let that deter him from his goal, "Ahiga if you had been there you would have fought him. I know. You would have I know it. Its not your fault because you didn't choose for this to happen." he says with a shake of his head, "And Ikuna does need you. I don't know what happened between you and him, but you aren't an embarassment to him..." he knows that much. And as for his comment about it would be better for Tala to leave him, "How can you say that? You love her. You are so lucky to have found someone...."
He may not know, but it's a lingering wound what happened between himself and Ikuna. It still hurts, but that pain is now a dull one in comparison to the new. He shifts his weight on the snow, exhaling a breath that's seen as gray mist. "Sometimes, when you love someone, you have to do things that might hurt'm. But if you know it's better for them, you'll still do it...no matter what that might mean to you. You're right. I'd be alone with her, but if she's happy, even if it takes moons for her to be happy, it'd be worth it." He trails off a moment, then finally turns to look at him. "I want to tell you somethin' I haven't told anybody."
Hadir is more than willing to listen to whatever the other wolf has to say to himself, "Ahiga I think that you have something really special with Tala and to let it go would be very sad...." Still he sits silently as he waits to hear what he has to say.
"I don't know if you know or not, but I wasn't born in the Ute," begins Ahiga. "I found my way to them. I don't remember ... much about when I was a pup. I don't know who my father was. I don't remember my mother's face anymore. But there's one thing that I do remmber, and I remember it as if it happened yesterday." He closes his eyes, reaching for that memory. "It was before Ute. I was somewhere. In a den, maybe. It was just me alone, and I heard voices outside. Angry ones. My mother's and another female's. They were growling, fightin'. I was scared, but I couldn't move to help. I was so small anyway, I probably would've been killed. But I remember hearin' the other female shouting at my mother about what she'd done. About her cursed pups. Me. A sister and brother I don't remember ever having. She told my mother something about breakin' a sacred rule, and that wherever we went, the spirits would follow an' keep the curse upon it." His eyes open then, and he shakes his head. "I didn't know what any've that meant. And after, I don't really know what happened, but that's the only real thing I remember about being young, an' now that I'm older, I'm thinking maybe, it wasn't just crazy talk."
Hadir isn't going to call what he said outright stupidity, but just because someone said something like that doesn't mean that it’s true. There are alot of superstious wolves out there and many more who repeat back strange things, "I don't know what was happening with all that, but I do know that you aren't cursed. It sounds like that lady wolf was just really upset and that your mother did something that displeased her...that’s all. You don't have to believe in that sort of stuff if you don't want too. Besides its probably best if you don't..." It wouldn't help much anyway Hadir thinks, "Can I tell you something that I haven't told anyone?" he asks.
Ahiga shakes his head a litle. "I don't know, Hadir. A lot've crap happened before you were born, an' it seems like it all started when I found them. Tala and Ikuna's parents were killed. Ikuna was kidnapped. You were born sick. Wachiwa left. The dogs came. An' now this? It's hard not to think that the spirits aren't happy with somethin' or someone when so much happens all the time." His nose wrinkles a little. "An' Ute's all about believin' in the spirits..." he muses, more to himself than to Hadir. At his question though, he nods, eyes on him.
Hadir has heard of all that stuff that happened before he was born, and it doens't sound any better than the stuff that has happened after, "Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with the spirits or anything like that. Maybe its just stuff that happens and thats it. Maybe life is just like that sometimes." He thinks that way anyway. His life hasn't been any different than that...its been one long difficulty after another. Most others seem to have it a bit better than him though, "When I was gone from the pack for a time I was out looking for females..." Yes. He has noticed females, and he knows he will never find one.
Maybe. He's heard that before. Maybe it's just life. And if that's the truth ... life just sucks. It's much easier to blame spirits for bad things that happen. Ahiga does not interfere with his words though, listening to him like Hadir listened to his story. And surprise writes itself all over his face. "..Females?" he says, as if he just spoke a word in another language. He blinks once, ears perking up. Hadir and females? For some reason, he never thought about that before. Of course he'd be interested in females. It was about his age that Ahiga himself started noticing Tala in a much different way. "Did you ... did you meet any?" Granted, he's not with one now, but that doesn't mean that he didn't see one that he liked out there somewhere.
Hadir nods as Ahiga speaks about the spirits. Maybe it is easier to blame others for the troubles that just happen. Who knows. He smiles and gives his head something like a shake, but its only a half hearted shake at best, "No I didn't see any at all. I look around as best I could, but there don't seem to be any around at all. But it doens't really matter because I can safely say that wolfess would want to have me as a mate..." At least no lady wolf in her right mind.
"You don't know that, Hadir," replies Ahiga, shaking his head. "You hadn't met any. I know they're sort of hard to find. Rogue wolves aren't common. Your best best would've been to visit Cerulean. I don't know if they had any other wolves your age.. They might've. I'm sure their Alphas had pups about the same time Shawnee did..." Not that any of this matters now. The Cerulean are long gone, and Hadir... Well. Hadir's not looking too good. But still, he's not about to let the guy be too down on himself. "If Tala wasn't around, I'd probably be a single wolf too, to be honest. And now...well..." he shakes his head, "we'll see where now takes us."
Hadir had a point to telling his story. He hadn't even really told Ikuna about it...he had been out looking for females when the dogs had attacked for the second time. He isn't sorry that he missed any of that, "I didn't even really think about going to Cerulean...but thats a bit too late now I suppose." he says with a bit of a shrug, "But Ahiga you have a mate and she loves you and you love her. And you are thinking of walking away from her...when there are wolves out there who will never be lucky enough to be in love."
"I get what you're sayin', Hadir, I do," Ahiga answers earnestly. "But if you had a mate, an' she .. and she went through what Tala did, you'd be feelin' the same way as I do. You'd feel like the most useless piece've flesh that ever walked this world. You'd feel like there's nothin' you could ever do that could make it up to her. Ever. When I look at her.." he exhales a breath, golden eyes turning skyward, "I swear it's like a piece of me falls away every time. It's hard to explain, and I don't think I'm doing a very good job explaining it. Maybe it's not something I can explain. I don't want to be without her. Don't get me wrong, I'd never walk away just because. But I'll give her that choice. If she doesn't feel safe with me, I won't force her to stay."
Hadir can't really imagine what either of them were going through. Yes its true he would be completely distraught and likely acting much the same way that Ahiga was acting, "You aren't useless...and you know that. I don't think that there is anything that you need do to make it up to her, because it wasn't you that hurt her. I think the best thing you could do for her would be to just love her and support her. She's still the same Tala and she's tough...you know she is so tough."
Tough is a perfect word to describe Tala. She is one tough wolf. Ahiga nods his agreement. "Yeah.. I know." He glances to the younger wolf, head shaking a little. "Why are you telling me all this, Hadir?"
Hadir just wants Ahiga to be happy. Thats all. Nothing more, nothing less, "I'm just telling you because I think you need to hear it...and because I want to see you, Tala, and Ikuna be happy. Its important to me...and its important to everyone in the pack. And its most important to Tala. She is going to need alot of support and she is going to need you." he asks, "Especially if she is pregnant..."
"Aaagh..." Ahiga makes a noise in his throat. A strangled, sort of growled sound. Pregnant. It's difficult enough just thinking about the act that could've led to that. But it's a total different sort of pain that comes with thinking of what may come in the following months. "Hadir. I can't," he says, rising to his paws. "I can't go there with you right now. I can't think about that. I can't.." he shakes his head.
Hadir doesn't have much of a choice where he goes with things, when you have as little time as he does you don't slow down at all, "I know its hard Ahiga...but if she is she will need all of us, and you will have to step up and be a dad." He knows that Ahiga would be a great dad. No matter what he would be a great and he knows it, "I know its really hard...but we don't have the luxury of being fake." He has a great deal of sympathy for Ahiga though.
Step up and be a what? A dad? Hadir must be joking. Ahiga looks at him as if he's lost his mind. A father, to half breed pups? The two that the pack already has he can barely stomach. Well .. one of them. The other isn't really so bad, but this is different. These would be Tala's pups. Her pups with a dog. He couldn't love them. The thought of them brings such a sickening feeling that he has to walk away. He walks in the snow, not leaving, but pacing, hackles raised in agitation. "They were supposed to be /my/ pups! We planned this. We wanted this. They're supposed to be mine." He pauses, looking back at him. "I don't know if she is or not. If she is, and if they come out looking like Kurux? I won't be able to. You can all run me off if you must for not lovin' them, but I won't."
Hadir thinks that this is good progress. Everyone else has been afraid to ask the tough questions and say the tough things, but he isn't afraid to do any of that. When you face down death on a daily basis you learn to live a bit differently. He decides to take a slightly different approach to this, "Lets just say that you had a pup with Tala and it was deformed...would you love it any less? Or one that was sick like me?" he asks.
A deformed pup? .. Heh. Probably. Ahiga is a wolf that strives on normalcy and strength. The wolf dog pups are abnormal. A deformed pup would be weak. Would he be thought of as heartless for admitting so? Well ... if we're being brutally honest here.. "If it was deformed, maybe. If it couldn't walk or run or see or ..." he shakes his head. "If it was sick, I don't know. A sick pup can get better. A deformed pup couldn't." He exhales. "I know what you want me to say, Hadir, but I won't because it'd be a lie. If the pups are not mine, there's nothin' left to say about them."
Hadir can see how he would feel that way. He really can, but his own dad admitted to him today that he was proud of him and that goes along way to build your self esteem, especially when your dad is Skahla, "Then you don't love Tala...because regardless of if they are yours or someone else’s they would be half her. You couldn't love the half that was her even?" he asks. Yes its a simple question with a really complicated answer no doubt
Wrong thing to say, Hadir, for with that one phrase, Ahiga turns from troubled wolf to pissed wolf. It's a change done beneath the blink of an eye. He turns, teeth bared and hackled raised, a snarl rising from his muzzle. "Piss off, Hadir! Until you're in my paws... until you're goin' through this, you don't get to talk to me like you know anything about it. Don't talk as if you can even imagine what this is like. You don't get to talk." A last growl is seen escaping his mouth in a frosty breath before he turns away from him, stalking off again with no intention of stopping anytime soon.
Hadir considers the anger to be a stage that you have to go through. It’s always there. He was mad for a long time, but now he isn't. Things change, "Right because I never have anything difficult to deal with...." he calls out after the other wolf. Its true he doesn't know anything about this particular situation, but he can put himself in it and it sorta does make him mad that Ahiga would be acting like this. The least he can do for everyone is to suffer in silence, "...If I was lucky enough to have a lady wolf to love I would love her and the pups even if they weren't mine...or if they were sick or deformed or whatever, because life is a gift. Until you get that then I don't think anything will help you." He isn't angry just annoyed. Why does everyone around him throw away their gifts so easily. Ahiga is ready to walk out on a loving mate, Althaea is ready to walk out on a loving pack and for what? He would give anything to stay and they walk away willingly. Even in horrible situations they have it better than him. He turns and begins to walk home, wheezing as he goes. Well he did his best.