Post by Therdde on Nov 10, 2008 6:27:59 GMT -5
Characters:
Nayeli - Female Adolescent Cougar
Kein - Male Adolescent Cougar
- Snowy Highlands -
This has been a past several days of nothing but firsts. So many unexpected things have happened. And last night, Nayeli fell asleep with her new Amaranth markings finally dry. She appreciated Kein's thoughtful suggestion that they not talk about anything specific last night in terms of leadership and policies and traditions and rules and everything that they'll eventually have to take care of. His suggestion that they simply relax and recover from all the overwhelming that's gone on, even culminating at the coronation ceremony... it was great. Nothing but relaxing and just enjoying each other's company. Yes, as Matron and Chieftain, but more as just best friends. The issues to deal with as the new leaders would be there waiting for them in the morning. It was a wonderful night of sleep, with no dreams that she could remember. And now as she slowly wakes up with a yawn and stretch, she feels as though she's ready to take on anything threatening Amaranth. Perhaps a bit overenthusiastic, but better than being intimidated by their new responsibilities, no? Nayeli stretches again, then slowly gets up to her feet, blinking in the morning sunlight and the light glare off of the snow. Yet another stretch, and then her nose notices something odd. She's not sure what it is, but.. something smells.. different. It takes a few seconds before she realizes that it's /her/ scent that's different.
Last night is the first night in what feels like a long time that Kein has not had a nightmare. His dreams were at times upsetting, saddening. He has not had enough time to grieve during his waking hours, and it would seem like the only time he gets to express that sorrow, nurture those wounds, is while he is sleeping. The dreams did not revolve around losing more of his loved ones or having the ones that are already lost blame him, hate him, and hence, upon waking, he has a sense of catharsis, of resolution. Though he hears Nayeli moving, he has no immediate desire to lose the final images he saw in his dreams, so his eyes remain closed as he stretches his forelegs out while still lying down and takes a deep, calming breath. At least, it was meant to be calming. What it actually does is inspire in him something far from the relaxed feelings he was desiring. Almost immediately, what he desires changes, through no choice of his own, and it is with some confusion that his eyes open and he looks to the young female cougar not far away.
It's.. not an unpleasant scent, at least not to Nayeli, but she's confused as to what happened. It's not like they slept on top of anything that would have left its scent on her.. no.. this is coming /from/ her. A brief sniffsniff along herself confirms that. Well, perhaps she can ask Paoro a little later on; the girl hopes that she's not getting sick or something. That's the last thing she needs here at the dawn of her role as Matron. She wants to instill confidence in others, not cause doubt as to whether or not she's healthy. She notices motion out of the corner of her eye and when she turns to see that Kein's awake, she offers him a smile and pads back over to him to give him a warm nuzzle. "Morning, Kein," she murmurs, even purring a little. "Sleep well?"
Not sick. There is generally a desire to be away from sick animals, so that the illness does not spread. Kein does not want to be away from Nayeli, though. If anything, he wants the exact opposite, and the sheer intensity of that desire worries him. Why, he's not certain. Is it because he thinks she might not really want him... Or is it because he thinks, if he got too close and she decided the time isn't right (which, given their ages and how very recently they took over Amaranth, it quite possibly isn't) he wouldn't necessarily be able to hold himself back? Yes, at least technically, being Chieftain makes him the Matron's mate, and yes, they are expected to have cubs, but... Already? Regardless, he needs some space so that he can /think/, and as she begins towards him, he stands up to take a couple steps back. "I... slept fine." He knows how she'll look upon his backing away, and he doesn't want to make it worse by telling her to stay away, but... He's so torn by conflicting desire and intense worry, right now, that he can think of nothing to do but remove himself from the situation.
And.. her good morning nuzzle misses as Kein backs away from her. Nayeli is left in an awkward silence, wondering if he's just playing with her. "Yeah," she says after a brief pause, offering him another smile. "Me too. It was great not having to worry about anything before falling asleep, so I think that helped." She grins and suddenly charges at her friend. Maybe they have some responsibilities to take care of today--talking to Kasim would be a big one--but she wants to begin this morning with some fun. They haven't wrestled here in the snow since.. before all this happened, so why not spend a few minutes in a fun, snowy romp? She doesn't plan on getting buried again underneath a large snowpile, though!
Kein was not expecting her to rush at him, and he doesn't have time to get out of the way before she reaches him. His mind is not on playing, though... He falls when she tackles him, and immediately tries to push her off of him. The longer he remains with her, especially this close to her, the more pronouced that desire becomes, and as it's something he isn't ued to, he's /really/ not sure how to deal with it. He remains gentle, trying to avoid hurt her even the slightest bit, but there is no amusement in his tone when he says, "We can't play right now, Nayeli. Please." What there is plenty of in his tone is desperation.
Hah! She's got him! Nayeli grins as she grapples with her friend, trying to decide whether or not to just try and pin him in the snow or perhaps roll around a little and send snow flying everywhere... but when he finally speaks--/pleads/, even!--it suddenly cuts into her that something is really wrong. She abruptly goes limp, is easily pushed back from her friend, and can do nothing except stare at him. "I'm.. sorry, Kein. You're right. We shouldn't be playing when we have work to do." She stretches her head toward him; Nayeli isn't close enough now to actually touch him, but it's a gesture for a forgiving nuzzle, something she's sure he'll recognize. And then once her apology has been accepted, they can move on to the day's activities. Speaking with Kasim, perhaps speaking with her two sisters, perhaps speaking with Pel, and trying to figure out how to take care of a few minor issues.
Kein does, in fact, recognize the gesture, and though he really wishes he could nuzzle against her... He /can't/. He backs up again, and, in an effort to reassure her that he doesn't think she has done anything wrong, he says, "I'm not mad, but... I /can't/ be by you right now." Hopefully she can understand, or... Or at least forgive him. He doesn't know much, but he does know she won't always smell like this, won't always make him want to do... Well, something that, after everything that has happened, he dreads doing... Regardless, it definitely seems like the kind of thing they should talk about when she smells normal, when he can think without this desire influencing him.
Nayeli's first reaction is denial. No.. he can't be saying that. It's his utter seriousness that scares her more than anything else. She knows that he's very obvious when it comes to joking around as opposed to his normal seriousness, and there's nothing remotely amused or mischievous in his tone or demeanor. "Kein...?" she asks, feeling her voice quaver, "...why? You.. you promised that you'd never leave me!" Perhaps Kein doesn't see this actually leaving her, as he isn't exactly running into the distance, but the symbolic act of removing himself from her side is close enough for Nayeli. And then it hits her. She's sick, maybe even dying! Of course Kein would want to stay away from her. "I'm sick, aren't I?" she whispers, swallowing against the lump in her throat.
Oh geez. Is this... This is the first time Kein has ever had to deal with these feelings, but they've been away from each other for so long, it didn't occur to him that maybe this is her first... Well, whatever they call it. He's sure they have a name for it, but it's not the kind of thing he would have ever bothered to learn. He backs up a couple more steps, then sits down. How could he be the one to explain this to her? "You're not sick, and I'm /not/ leaving you, but..." He's really not sure how long this will last, or.. Well, much of anything. The vast majority of what he knows of intimate relationships, he has learned from snippets of conversation he has heard about what Azriel, and Chesmu, did to his mother. His talks with Kasim on the subject have been brief, uncomfortable... And they definitely haven't focused on things a female ought to know. "I don't want to hurt you, Nayeli, and... I'm not sure I could stop myself." Right now, it's not that hard, but if the desire becomes stronger still, and he hasn't removed himself from her presence yet? "I just... Can't you see it's better if we stay away from each other, until... Until this is over?"
So maybe it's not her. Maybe it's just Kein, going crazy. He says he's not going to leave her, and yet he wants them to stay away from each other? That makes no sense. He says he doesn't want to hurt her, and yet he doesn't know if he'll be able to stop himself from hurting her? Again, that makes no sense. "Until /when/, Kein? I don't understand!" This is entirely /not/ what she had envisioned their first morning as Matron and Chieftain to be like. Or for that matter, what /any/ of their mornings as best friends would be like.
Kein is really not the one to be explaining this to her, why he feels he can't be near her right now, obviously, which really just leaves him with one option. "I... Can you just trust me, until after you talk with Paoro, or... Well, /anyone/... about it?" The tribe is full of females, most of them adults. Surely one of them will be able to make her understand. And if they can't? How long will it be until he doesn't lust after her scent anymore?
Talk to Paoro? Perhaps she should, but.. "Why.. can't I talk to you, Kein? You're my best friend! You're.. the /Chieftain/! Can't you at least tell me what's wrong?" Of course she can trust him, but.. why can't he at least provide her with a few answers or explanations? If it's something he doesn't know and can't explain, then why don't they both go to Paoro? This isn't the way Kein normally addresses a problem between them, or even something that they don't understand. They've worked together before, so why not now? If she's not sick, then why the distancing?
"Because I don't want to hurt you like Azriel and Chesmu hurt my mom!" Can't she understand that?! It will be different, when they've had a chance to talk about it, when Nayeli feels like it's time for that, Kein tells himself, but right now, with that scent guiding him more than any talk wih Kasim ever would have, telling him what it is that he should do... He doesn't know that he could keep his distance long enough to have a calm, collected talk. He likes to believe he could, but he doesn't /know/, and knowing that Mom believed he inherited his confidence and some other traits from Azriel... What else did that male pass on through his bloodline?
She's shocked into silence for a full five seconds. What in the world does this have to do with what happened to Kein's mother? Why is Kein afraid of hurting her? Perhaps he had a nightmare about it? That might explain it. "Kein, you aren't going to hurt me." She tries to smile, to encourage him, but it comes off a bit weak. "I'm not afraid of you, and you /aren't/ your father, or.. or my father." She takes a deep, shaky breath, realizing that maybe it's /her/ that needs to help /him/. "Did you have a nightmare or something?"
Kein has had plenty of nightmares, and plenty of them have revolved around hurting someone for whom he cares. She shared one of them. It isn't what has inspired this, though. Not directly. And though he knows that there are plenty of differences between him and Azriel, and even more between him and Chesmu... He can't say for certain what is the same between them. He doesn't /know/. He shakes his head slowly, tears welling up in his eyes. Admitting what he just has is one of the hardest things he has ever done, because how can she be so certain he won't hurt her if even he isn't certain of that, in this moment. "No nightmares... But I don't want you to hate me like she hated him. Please." Mom thought Azriel was her friend, up until he did that to her. She told him that.
Now she's feeling a little frustrated. For all their conversations about trust, and never leaving each other, and all their plans... and now Kein is falling right back into the trap of being afraid that she's going to hate him? "Kein, I /can't/ hate you! I /love/ you, remember? I just chose you as my /Chieftain/!" How can he not understand? "I promise, Kein.. I'll never hate you." She has to pause, gain her composure. "You won't hurt me Kein, I know it. We're best friends, remember?"
"Nayeli..." What she has said has reassured Kein slightly, but he's still uncertain. A little calmer, but still worried. "I don't think I can explain it to you, but... I don't just want to be by you or near you. I want /more/, and... There's just too much. If you don't want cubs yet, or... Anything. Any reason. But I can't be by you right now without wanting /more/, maybe more than you want to give." Please, let her understand now.
Finally, she seems to be getting some answers. Confusing, still, but at least now she's beginning to understand what's bothering Kein. "You want more of /what/?" she asks, trying to get some clarification. "Too much of /what/?" What is she giving? And what's this about cubs? Paoro mentioned just yesterday that she would have to give birth to a new generation, that she would be a loving mother. Is that what Kein's referring to? "We.. we haven't talked about cubs yet, but.. I'm not against the idea. Paoro said it would happen, didn't she?"
Not more /of/. More /than/. Kein is not surprised that she doesn't understand, and he's not sure why it should be so hard to just say what he wants. Is it entirely that he's afraid he might not be able to resist his biological urges, or is some part that he's afraid of the potential rejection? He doesn't particularly want cubs. He's not absolutely opposed to the idea, but it does scare him, a great deal. It does seem easier to avoid the subject than to face rejection though, and so it takes him a long moment to speak, and when he does, his voice is quiet. Weak. "I want to mate with you, Nayeli."
And once again, Nayeli is stunned into silence. For all his talk about wanting to stay away from her, all he wanted really was just to be /extremely/ close to her? It still hasn't clicked yet that his desire is based entirely on her scent. It's a few seconds before she's able to respond, and her voice is nearly as quiet as his. "And you're afraid that I'm going to say no, and that you're still going to do it anyway? That you're going to become your dad?" It's really starting to make sense now. She just assumes that Kein's desire stems from.. well.. the fact that he /can/. That he's the Chieftain and she's the Matron. That they're /supposed/ to have cubs, just like the Shamaness said. Of course, she wasn't exactly expecting for him to bring this up with such intensity the first morning of their leadership.
That basically sums up his fear, and so Kein gives a nod of his head. He doesn't know that she hasn't made the connection. If this had been inspired by anything /but/ her scent, her fertility... Well, it's rather unlikely the desire ever would have pulled at him, if not for that biological aspect, but if it had, he certainly wouldn't be afraid of being near her as he is now.
Probably a rather odd reaction, but Nayeli actually smiles at him, feeling herself relax a little. "Kein, that's.. sweet of you. This is why I know you won't ever hurt me." She still hasn't heard every detail of what happened to Kein's mother, but surely Azriel was never as loving and caring as Kein is? She can't help but think that she should be rather frightened right now, as her best friend has all but confirmed that he's not even sure if he could keep himself from hurting her. But yet.. she doesn't feel frightened at all, as she sits down to match his posture. It's a few moments before she speaks again, but this time her words, while still quiet, carry a lot more confidence than before. "If I asked you to come over and sit next to me, and tell me that you love me... would you?"
Would he deny a request from his Matron? Is he even going to make her actually ask, instead of assuming that she would? He is still worried, even if she isn't, but if denying her that would hurt her even more... It is with a hint of reluctance that he stands to walk over to her. So far, he still has perfect control over himself. It is entirely possible the desire would never become so strong that he could hurt her, despite his suspicions to the contrary. As he sits by her, his breathing is shallow, as he tries to avoid breathing in her scent too strongly. After doing so, he says, in a voice that has not changed much from seconds ago, "Of course I love you."
It's not difficult to tell that Kein's breathing is a little.. odd. And it finally seems to dawn on her that maybe it's her strange scent that's affecting him. But as he sits next to her, and says those words that bring a small smile to her muzzle, she leans slightly against him, trying to rest her head on his shoulder. "How do I smell to you?" she finally asks. Apparently not like a creature who has a disease, as Kein's already negated that theory. But yet he still acts as though he's afraid to intake that scent, even while claiming it's harmless.
Kein does not move away from her again. She's willing to accept the risk, apparently. He might not be, but... For right now, he tries to trust her judgement, and though he has not inhaled her scent deeply since he first woke up, it does not take him terribly long to answer. "You smell..." Like absolutely nothing he has ever smelled before. Not up close. "Good." That's putting it politely, but truthfully, there is only one word to describe how she smells. "Irresistible."
/Really/. "And.. this irresistible smell is what's making you want to.. to mate.. with me?" Hmm. Now she's having the same awkward hesitation that Kein seemed to be experiencing. Okay, but why did she just start having this random scent, irresistible though it may be? Why now? It's not even something she intentionally did, is it? Oh for a mother who could explain this to her! Nayeli has seen and smelled other cougaresses in season before, but never knew enough to make the connection to what's happening to her now.
Kein gives a slight nod of his head. He can't do anything more, because being right here with her against him like this... It feels like it is all he can do to remain sitting here like this when he wants... More. To try to speak, to inhale her scent deeply... These things scare him when he's trying to focus on just being the one she can lean against.
This is going to be an odd sounding question, but Nayeli is confident that her friend will understand what she's asking. "I know you said you want to mate with me, but.. do you /really/ want to?" It's asked as calmly as possible, as she doesn't want to bias him one way or another. If she hadn't woken up this morning smelling the way she did, would this even have come up? But it has, and so now they're having to deal with it. Now that Kein is faced with the decision, does he /really/ want to, smell or no smell? Nayeli doesn't ever want to believe that the only reason is simply because she smells different. Irresistible or not.
Yes, Kein understands. She's not really asking if he wants to mate with her. She's asking if he /doesn't/ want to mate with her, if he has personal reasons for wanting to be away from her while she smells like this. At least, that's how he takes it, because... If there weren't very good reasons against it, how could he not want to share everything with his friend... Even that? And, other than the reasons he has already mentioned... No. There is no reason why he wouldn't want to make her really, truly, his mate. She has already taken all of those reasons into consideration, so... Slowly, he nods again. Yes. When he is thinking, actually /thinking/ about it, his desire for her goes far beyond what is merely physical, and he would like to share that with her... If not now, for whatever reason, then someday.
Was that.. a nod? Nayeli's eyes look up even as she keeps her head still pressed up against his shoulder. Yes, that was definitely a nod! And even though Kein apparently doesn't trust his voice enough to speak, just the fact that he's giving an affirmative answer to her question means everything to her. He's always been her best friend. Even during the period of separation between them, she never had another friend that she would have considered anywhere close to his replacement. And even recently, she now has to think of him as her Chieftain. But now.. she's just one acceptance away from viewing him as the greatest of relationships with her of all. Mates. And eventually, father and mother? It will be just like Paoro said. Leaders of Amaranth, and parents of a new generation. Realizing all-too-well that she's going past a definite point of no return, Nayeli slowly noses her way up his neck and jaw to where she's able to whisper directly into his ear. "I love you, Kein, and I would be honored to be your mate." Everything in the world feels right about saying that, and she can do nothing but hope that he feels the same way. "Breathe freely, my friend."
That invitation makes a world of difference. He has not threatened her or anyone she cares about. Her invitation is genuine, which removes all of the fear that he might be doing the worst thing he could ever do. After closing his eyes, Kein takes the first deep breath he has taken since waking up, resting his chin on the top of her head. His desire flares up again, but it is not accompanied by the fear that he first felt, and with the desire comes a deep purr.
Nayeli would love to just stay like this, as the growing realization that she's able to still be close to Kein without him feeling the urgent need to put distance between them. Yes, she can feel a purr coming as well, and she loves how she can feel Kein's as well, being pressed up against his throat. Any problems that they might be facing suddenly don't seem to be so big anymore. They have each other, and that's all they need. She might not be strong, but she has Kein. And /he/ might not be strong, but he has /her/. It's like learning an exciting and thrilling secret, yet one that she's fairly sure she already knew. Just.. not to this extent. Not even close.
Nayeli - Female Adolescent Cougar
Kein - Male Adolescent Cougar
- Snowy Highlands -
This has been a past several days of nothing but firsts. So many unexpected things have happened. And last night, Nayeli fell asleep with her new Amaranth markings finally dry. She appreciated Kein's thoughtful suggestion that they not talk about anything specific last night in terms of leadership and policies and traditions and rules and everything that they'll eventually have to take care of. His suggestion that they simply relax and recover from all the overwhelming that's gone on, even culminating at the coronation ceremony... it was great. Nothing but relaxing and just enjoying each other's company. Yes, as Matron and Chieftain, but more as just best friends. The issues to deal with as the new leaders would be there waiting for them in the morning. It was a wonderful night of sleep, with no dreams that she could remember. And now as she slowly wakes up with a yawn and stretch, she feels as though she's ready to take on anything threatening Amaranth. Perhaps a bit overenthusiastic, but better than being intimidated by their new responsibilities, no? Nayeli stretches again, then slowly gets up to her feet, blinking in the morning sunlight and the light glare off of the snow. Yet another stretch, and then her nose notices something odd. She's not sure what it is, but.. something smells.. different. It takes a few seconds before she realizes that it's /her/ scent that's different.
Last night is the first night in what feels like a long time that Kein has not had a nightmare. His dreams were at times upsetting, saddening. He has not had enough time to grieve during his waking hours, and it would seem like the only time he gets to express that sorrow, nurture those wounds, is while he is sleeping. The dreams did not revolve around losing more of his loved ones or having the ones that are already lost blame him, hate him, and hence, upon waking, he has a sense of catharsis, of resolution. Though he hears Nayeli moving, he has no immediate desire to lose the final images he saw in his dreams, so his eyes remain closed as he stretches his forelegs out while still lying down and takes a deep, calming breath. At least, it was meant to be calming. What it actually does is inspire in him something far from the relaxed feelings he was desiring. Almost immediately, what he desires changes, through no choice of his own, and it is with some confusion that his eyes open and he looks to the young female cougar not far away.
It's.. not an unpleasant scent, at least not to Nayeli, but she's confused as to what happened. It's not like they slept on top of anything that would have left its scent on her.. no.. this is coming /from/ her. A brief sniffsniff along herself confirms that. Well, perhaps she can ask Paoro a little later on; the girl hopes that she's not getting sick or something. That's the last thing she needs here at the dawn of her role as Matron. She wants to instill confidence in others, not cause doubt as to whether or not she's healthy. She notices motion out of the corner of her eye and when she turns to see that Kein's awake, she offers him a smile and pads back over to him to give him a warm nuzzle. "Morning, Kein," she murmurs, even purring a little. "Sleep well?"
Not sick. There is generally a desire to be away from sick animals, so that the illness does not spread. Kein does not want to be away from Nayeli, though. If anything, he wants the exact opposite, and the sheer intensity of that desire worries him. Why, he's not certain. Is it because he thinks she might not really want him... Or is it because he thinks, if he got too close and she decided the time isn't right (which, given their ages and how very recently they took over Amaranth, it quite possibly isn't) he wouldn't necessarily be able to hold himself back? Yes, at least technically, being Chieftain makes him the Matron's mate, and yes, they are expected to have cubs, but... Already? Regardless, he needs some space so that he can /think/, and as she begins towards him, he stands up to take a couple steps back. "I... slept fine." He knows how she'll look upon his backing away, and he doesn't want to make it worse by telling her to stay away, but... He's so torn by conflicting desire and intense worry, right now, that he can think of nothing to do but remove himself from the situation.
And.. her good morning nuzzle misses as Kein backs away from her. Nayeli is left in an awkward silence, wondering if he's just playing with her. "Yeah," she says after a brief pause, offering him another smile. "Me too. It was great not having to worry about anything before falling asleep, so I think that helped." She grins and suddenly charges at her friend. Maybe they have some responsibilities to take care of today--talking to Kasim would be a big one--but she wants to begin this morning with some fun. They haven't wrestled here in the snow since.. before all this happened, so why not spend a few minutes in a fun, snowy romp? She doesn't plan on getting buried again underneath a large snowpile, though!
Kein was not expecting her to rush at him, and he doesn't have time to get out of the way before she reaches him. His mind is not on playing, though... He falls when she tackles him, and immediately tries to push her off of him. The longer he remains with her, especially this close to her, the more pronouced that desire becomes, and as it's something he isn't ued to, he's /really/ not sure how to deal with it. He remains gentle, trying to avoid hurt her even the slightest bit, but there is no amusement in his tone when he says, "We can't play right now, Nayeli. Please." What there is plenty of in his tone is desperation.
Hah! She's got him! Nayeli grins as she grapples with her friend, trying to decide whether or not to just try and pin him in the snow or perhaps roll around a little and send snow flying everywhere... but when he finally speaks--/pleads/, even!--it suddenly cuts into her that something is really wrong. She abruptly goes limp, is easily pushed back from her friend, and can do nothing except stare at him. "I'm.. sorry, Kein. You're right. We shouldn't be playing when we have work to do." She stretches her head toward him; Nayeli isn't close enough now to actually touch him, but it's a gesture for a forgiving nuzzle, something she's sure he'll recognize. And then once her apology has been accepted, they can move on to the day's activities. Speaking with Kasim, perhaps speaking with her two sisters, perhaps speaking with Pel, and trying to figure out how to take care of a few minor issues.
Kein does, in fact, recognize the gesture, and though he really wishes he could nuzzle against her... He /can't/. He backs up again, and, in an effort to reassure her that he doesn't think she has done anything wrong, he says, "I'm not mad, but... I /can't/ be by you right now." Hopefully she can understand, or... Or at least forgive him. He doesn't know much, but he does know she won't always smell like this, won't always make him want to do... Well, something that, after everything that has happened, he dreads doing... Regardless, it definitely seems like the kind of thing they should talk about when she smells normal, when he can think without this desire influencing him.
Nayeli's first reaction is denial. No.. he can't be saying that. It's his utter seriousness that scares her more than anything else. She knows that he's very obvious when it comes to joking around as opposed to his normal seriousness, and there's nothing remotely amused or mischievous in his tone or demeanor. "Kein...?" she asks, feeling her voice quaver, "...why? You.. you promised that you'd never leave me!" Perhaps Kein doesn't see this actually leaving her, as he isn't exactly running into the distance, but the symbolic act of removing himself from her side is close enough for Nayeli. And then it hits her. She's sick, maybe even dying! Of course Kein would want to stay away from her. "I'm sick, aren't I?" she whispers, swallowing against the lump in her throat.
Oh geez. Is this... This is the first time Kein has ever had to deal with these feelings, but they've been away from each other for so long, it didn't occur to him that maybe this is her first... Well, whatever they call it. He's sure they have a name for it, but it's not the kind of thing he would have ever bothered to learn. He backs up a couple more steps, then sits down. How could he be the one to explain this to her? "You're not sick, and I'm /not/ leaving you, but..." He's really not sure how long this will last, or.. Well, much of anything. The vast majority of what he knows of intimate relationships, he has learned from snippets of conversation he has heard about what Azriel, and Chesmu, did to his mother. His talks with Kasim on the subject have been brief, uncomfortable... And they definitely haven't focused on things a female ought to know. "I don't want to hurt you, Nayeli, and... I'm not sure I could stop myself." Right now, it's not that hard, but if the desire becomes stronger still, and he hasn't removed himself from her presence yet? "I just... Can't you see it's better if we stay away from each other, until... Until this is over?"
So maybe it's not her. Maybe it's just Kein, going crazy. He says he's not going to leave her, and yet he wants them to stay away from each other? That makes no sense. He says he doesn't want to hurt her, and yet he doesn't know if he'll be able to stop himself from hurting her? Again, that makes no sense. "Until /when/, Kein? I don't understand!" This is entirely /not/ what she had envisioned their first morning as Matron and Chieftain to be like. Or for that matter, what /any/ of their mornings as best friends would be like.
Kein is really not the one to be explaining this to her, why he feels he can't be near her right now, obviously, which really just leaves him with one option. "I... Can you just trust me, until after you talk with Paoro, or... Well, /anyone/... about it?" The tribe is full of females, most of them adults. Surely one of them will be able to make her understand. And if they can't? How long will it be until he doesn't lust after her scent anymore?
Talk to Paoro? Perhaps she should, but.. "Why.. can't I talk to you, Kein? You're my best friend! You're.. the /Chieftain/! Can't you at least tell me what's wrong?" Of course she can trust him, but.. why can't he at least provide her with a few answers or explanations? If it's something he doesn't know and can't explain, then why don't they both go to Paoro? This isn't the way Kein normally addresses a problem between them, or even something that they don't understand. They've worked together before, so why not now? If she's not sick, then why the distancing?
"Because I don't want to hurt you like Azriel and Chesmu hurt my mom!" Can't she understand that?! It will be different, when they've had a chance to talk about it, when Nayeli feels like it's time for that, Kein tells himself, but right now, with that scent guiding him more than any talk wih Kasim ever would have, telling him what it is that he should do... He doesn't know that he could keep his distance long enough to have a calm, collected talk. He likes to believe he could, but he doesn't /know/, and knowing that Mom believed he inherited his confidence and some other traits from Azriel... What else did that male pass on through his bloodline?
She's shocked into silence for a full five seconds. What in the world does this have to do with what happened to Kein's mother? Why is Kein afraid of hurting her? Perhaps he had a nightmare about it? That might explain it. "Kein, you aren't going to hurt me." She tries to smile, to encourage him, but it comes off a bit weak. "I'm not afraid of you, and you /aren't/ your father, or.. or my father." She takes a deep, shaky breath, realizing that maybe it's /her/ that needs to help /him/. "Did you have a nightmare or something?"
Kein has had plenty of nightmares, and plenty of them have revolved around hurting someone for whom he cares. She shared one of them. It isn't what has inspired this, though. Not directly. And though he knows that there are plenty of differences between him and Azriel, and even more between him and Chesmu... He can't say for certain what is the same between them. He doesn't /know/. He shakes his head slowly, tears welling up in his eyes. Admitting what he just has is one of the hardest things he has ever done, because how can she be so certain he won't hurt her if even he isn't certain of that, in this moment. "No nightmares... But I don't want you to hate me like she hated him. Please." Mom thought Azriel was her friend, up until he did that to her. She told him that.
Now she's feeling a little frustrated. For all their conversations about trust, and never leaving each other, and all their plans... and now Kein is falling right back into the trap of being afraid that she's going to hate him? "Kein, I /can't/ hate you! I /love/ you, remember? I just chose you as my /Chieftain/!" How can he not understand? "I promise, Kein.. I'll never hate you." She has to pause, gain her composure. "You won't hurt me Kein, I know it. We're best friends, remember?"
"Nayeli..." What she has said has reassured Kein slightly, but he's still uncertain. A little calmer, but still worried. "I don't think I can explain it to you, but... I don't just want to be by you or near you. I want /more/, and... There's just too much. If you don't want cubs yet, or... Anything. Any reason. But I can't be by you right now without wanting /more/, maybe more than you want to give." Please, let her understand now.
Finally, she seems to be getting some answers. Confusing, still, but at least now she's beginning to understand what's bothering Kein. "You want more of /what/?" she asks, trying to get some clarification. "Too much of /what/?" What is she giving? And what's this about cubs? Paoro mentioned just yesterday that she would have to give birth to a new generation, that she would be a loving mother. Is that what Kein's referring to? "We.. we haven't talked about cubs yet, but.. I'm not against the idea. Paoro said it would happen, didn't she?"
Not more /of/. More /than/. Kein is not surprised that she doesn't understand, and he's not sure why it should be so hard to just say what he wants. Is it entirely that he's afraid he might not be able to resist his biological urges, or is some part that he's afraid of the potential rejection? He doesn't particularly want cubs. He's not absolutely opposed to the idea, but it does scare him, a great deal. It does seem easier to avoid the subject than to face rejection though, and so it takes him a long moment to speak, and when he does, his voice is quiet. Weak. "I want to mate with you, Nayeli."
And once again, Nayeli is stunned into silence. For all his talk about wanting to stay away from her, all he wanted really was just to be /extremely/ close to her? It still hasn't clicked yet that his desire is based entirely on her scent. It's a few seconds before she's able to respond, and her voice is nearly as quiet as his. "And you're afraid that I'm going to say no, and that you're still going to do it anyway? That you're going to become your dad?" It's really starting to make sense now. She just assumes that Kein's desire stems from.. well.. the fact that he /can/. That he's the Chieftain and she's the Matron. That they're /supposed/ to have cubs, just like the Shamaness said. Of course, she wasn't exactly expecting for him to bring this up with such intensity the first morning of their leadership.
That basically sums up his fear, and so Kein gives a nod of his head. He doesn't know that she hasn't made the connection. If this had been inspired by anything /but/ her scent, her fertility... Well, it's rather unlikely the desire ever would have pulled at him, if not for that biological aspect, but if it had, he certainly wouldn't be afraid of being near her as he is now.
Probably a rather odd reaction, but Nayeli actually smiles at him, feeling herself relax a little. "Kein, that's.. sweet of you. This is why I know you won't ever hurt me." She still hasn't heard every detail of what happened to Kein's mother, but surely Azriel was never as loving and caring as Kein is? She can't help but think that she should be rather frightened right now, as her best friend has all but confirmed that he's not even sure if he could keep himself from hurting her. But yet.. she doesn't feel frightened at all, as she sits down to match his posture. It's a few moments before she speaks again, but this time her words, while still quiet, carry a lot more confidence than before. "If I asked you to come over and sit next to me, and tell me that you love me... would you?"
Would he deny a request from his Matron? Is he even going to make her actually ask, instead of assuming that she would? He is still worried, even if she isn't, but if denying her that would hurt her even more... It is with a hint of reluctance that he stands to walk over to her. So far, he still has perfect control over himself. It is entirely possible the desire would never become so strong that he could hurt her, despite his suspicions to the contrary. As he sits by her, his breathing is shallow, as he tries to avoid breathing in her scent too strongly. After doing so, he says, in a voice that has not changed much from seconds ago, "Of course I love you."
It's not difficult to tell that Kein's breathing is a little.. odd. And it finally seems to dawn on her that maybe it's her strange scent that's affecting him. But as he sits next to her, and says those words that bring a small smile to her muzzle, she leans slightly against him, trying to rest her head on his shoulder. "How do I smell to you?" she finally asks. Apparently not like a creature who has a disease, as Kein's already negated that theory. But yet he still acts as though he's afraid to intake that scent, even while claiming it's harmless.
Kein does not move away from her again. She's willing to accept the risk, apparently. He might not be, but... For right now, he tries to trust her judgement, and though he has not inhaled her scent deeply since he first woke up, it does not take him terribly long to answer. "You smell..." Like absolutely nothing he has ever smelled before. Not up close. "Good." That's putting it politely, but truthfully, there is only one word to describe how she smells. "Irresistible."
/Really/. "And.. this irresistible smell is what's making you want to.. to mate.. with me?" Hmm. Now she's having the same awkward hesitation that Kein seemed to be experiencing. Okay, but why did she just start having this random scent, irresistible though it may be? Why now? It's not even something she intentionally did, is it? Oh for a mother who could explain this to her! Nayeli has seen and smelled other cougaresses in season before, but never knew enough to make the connection to what's happening to her now.
Kein gives a slight nod of his head. He can't do anything more, because being right here with her against him like this... It feels like it is all he can do to remain sitting here like this when he wants... More. To try to speak, to inhale her scent deeply... These things scare him when he's trying to focus on just being the one she can lean against.
This is going to be an odd sounding question, but Nayeli is confident that her friend will understand what she's asking. "I know you said you want to mate with me, but.. do you /really/ want to?" It's asked as calmly as possible, as she doesn't want to bias him one way or another. If she hadn't woken up this morning smelling the way she did, would this even have come up? But it has, and so now they're having to deal with it. Now that Kein is faced with the decision, does he /really/ want to, smell or no smell? Nayeli doesn't ever want to believe that the only reason is simply because she smells different. Irresistible or not.
Yes, Kein understands. She's not really asking if he wants to mate with her. She's asking if he /doesn't/ want to mate with her, if he has personal reasons for wanting to be away from her while she smells like this. At least, that's how he takes it, because... If there weren't very good reasons against it, how could he not want to share everything with his friend... Even that? And, other than the reasons he has already mentioned... No. There is no reason why he wouldn't want to make her really, truly, his mate. She has already taken all of those reasons into consideration, so... Slowly, he nods again. Yes. When he is thinking, actually /thinking/ about it, his desire for her goes far beyond what is merely physical, and he would like to share that with her... If not now, for whatever reason, then someday.
Was that.. a nod? Nayeli's eyes look up even as she keeps her head still pressed up against his shoulder. Yes, that was definitely a nod! And even though Kein apparently doesn't trust his voice enough to speak, just the fact that he's giving an affirmative answer to her question means everything to her. He's always been her best friend. Even during the period of separation between them, she never had another friend that she would have considered anywhere close to his replacement. And even recently, she now has to think of him as her Chieftain. But now.. she's just one acceptance away from viewing him as the greatest of relationships with her of all. Mates. And eventually, father and mother? It will be just like Paoro said. Leaders of Amaranth, and parents of a new generation. Realizing all-too-well that she's going past a definite point of no return, Nayeli slowly noses her way up his neck and jaw to where she's able to whisper directly into his ear. "I love you, Kein, and I would be honored to be your mate." Everything in the world feels right about saying that, and she can do nothing but hope that he feels the same way. "Breathe freely, my friend."
That invitation makes a world of difference. He has not threatened her or anyone she cares about. Her invitation is genuine, which removes all of the fear that he might be doing the worst thing he could ever do. After closing his eyes, Kein takes the first deep breath he has taken since waking up, resting his chin on the top of her head. His desire flares up again, but it is not accompanied by the fear that he first felt, and with the desire comes a deep purr.
Nayeli would love to just stay like this, as the growing realization that she's able to still be close to Kein without him feeling the urgent need to put distance between them. Yes, she can feel a purr coming as well, and she loves how she can feel Kein's as well, being pressed up against his throat. Any problems that they might be facing suddenly don't seem to be so big anymore. They have each other, and that's all they need. She might not be strong, but she has Kein. And /he/ might not be strong, but he has /her/. It's like learning an exciting and thrilling secret, yet one that she's fairly sure she already knew. Just.. not to this extent. Not even close.